Hi ❣ So nice to see you,- like always 😊. I hope all is fine with you 💛.
Im a bit emotional this days,- but thats a part of the life. Im fine,- just thinking a bit 😊.
I have been living in Spain for 6 years now in thise days. And just been in Norway 2 times,- one time in 2014, and then again in 2016. All together just totally 7 days. Both times was to move our things we still have in Norway.
The plan was to travel to Norway and move them one more time last year. But the goal is to be able to move our things to Spain…..I think. But I dont have, and I didnt have capital to do it, to travel to Norway,- or to move them here. Norway is not the cheapest country in the world 😊. Hopefully I will be able to travel to Norway the Spring 2020,- thats my goal at least.
But do I feel I have “one foot in each country”? I have been thinking about this many times,- special because one chapter in the norwegian book Im using when I teaching my students is called “One foot in each country”.
I dont know, to be honest.
When I think about Norway I think about the time my children and me was living on the country at a farm. We called our place “The Prairie”,- and it was our home.
Do I have a foot in each country? I dont know. But I have try to create a home here, with some norwgian stuff thats remind me a bit about “our Prairie ” in Norway 💛.
And it was almost like a prairie too, with long fields, covered with forest all around, and only one neighbour and two nearby. It was lovely to live there, we all 4 did enjoyed living at The Prairie- and I really miss that home, that place- sometime to much.
Im triyng my best to not miss it, miss the place, and the past ,- my children and me did have there. Normally it goes,- and sometimes not. But I cant go back to the past,- and unfortunately, I cant go back and correct my mistakes rather. Even I should wish I could do that now and then.
Because I did a mistake. I have done a lots of mistakes in my life,- but its just one mistake I should really wish I could have undone, or be able to “travel back to the past” and change my choice. My choice of my last boyfriend, when I was living in Norway, for over 8- 9 years ago.
He did change me, my life,- and not in a good way. Not to the better. He did destroy my life, me and my childrens life in mostly every way it was possible to destroy it. And I also more or less did loose myself as well, and everything I had been working for. And my parents as well also did help me to build up.
Im not going to use a lots of time to tell you about that , the “story” or about the relationship, or about the boyfriend. Its not worth to use a lots of time and energy on any more.
But I think the toughest thing is to forgiving myself, forgiving myself for the choice of boyfriend, and the way I did let him treat me. And I have no idea how many times I have asked my children for forgiveness for my choice.
But,- yes,- around this periode every year Im thinking about it,- my life in Norway. I cant go back and change the past,- and I cant live in the past rather. I know that. But if I could go back……
I did move to Spain because it has been a dream for many years to try to live and work in Spain. The dream come through, but not exactly the way I did imagen.
I also did move to Spain to get distance, to find my self again and keep living. I did have some very, very dark thoughts about “leaving” this world at that time.
The plan was not to stay here in Spain. But it was very difficult to move back to Norway,- because of economic reasons. We didnt have any “home” to move back to anymore rather. And mostly every thing costs a bit.
The 3 first years in Spain I did look for a job in Norway, and also a place to rent. But it was to expensive. I didnt earn enough to save money to move back.
I also new I wouldn’t be able to move back to the area Im from in Norway. Because of emotion and the “culture” there. So then it was to “start all over again” in an other place in Norway,- or try to do the best of it here in Spain insted.
Like I did mention,- when I m thinking about Norway its my good memories on the Prairie together with my 3 children I really do miss,- so much I cant think about it,- because then I m starting to cry.
A bit more “home-stuff” in our spanish-norwegian home 💛.
And then it is the last year in Norway,- 2012/ part if 2013. It is like I was in “awake coma”, and “paralysed” over the situation,- and not in a good way. Its was a bit like that with the first year here in Spain too,- I do remember it like to be in “awake coma” and “paralysed” as well. I isolate myself and socialize no more than I had to and needed to do.
But thing changed slowly , and then I did get a bit more like “a life” in away in Spain.
I don’t feel I have a foot in Norway anymore. At the same time I m always going to be a norwegian. And a foreinger as long as I dont live in Norway. I dont know if Im going to move back again, but,- yes ,- the thoughts are there. Special now when my children are growing up, and get their own adult lifes. But what kind of life would I have in Norway now?
And,- all of my 3 children are here, in Spain, around me, at the moment . And I m not ready to move away from them, and I m not sure if I have the energy to start “all over again” in Norway rather. Or even if I in a way does “belong” to Norway anymore.
I have both of my feet, literally, in Spain at the moment ,- but do I feel I belong here? Im not sure,- but I feel in a strange way home here.
The life here has been very much about “surviving” in Spain. Mostly it has been about work,- but also good friends in Spain,- and great friends from Norway too. And of course,- my children ❤. But focus has been- work.
Last year (2018) I did feel I did started to build “my life in Spain” ,- and it felt so great. But it didnt last very long,- it was a bit of a “crash-landing” this year. But lucky for me I did have, and still does have, Natasja. She did “glue” me togheter as best she could 💛.
So,- when I think about “a foot in each country” ,- at this point,- I dont feel I actually dont “belong” anywhere.
If I m going to stay in Spain I need to learn more and better the spanish language than I can at the moment,- thats for sure. But when I have been living the way I has done,- with the mainly focus to “survie” it has not been to much room or space to focus on the language. The focus has been “work” and “pay the bills”. Thats it!
To be honest,- I have no idea what the future will bring me (and my children). I cant imagen me working where I m working at the moment “for the rest of my life”. But I can imagen me living in the “home” Im renting here in Spain , and I can imagen me living in Spain, – but does I need to have this job then? If so,- its not the life Im imagen to have here in Spain. But can I imagen a life in Norway? Im not sure about that.
At this point, I just “am” a bit ,- and trying to do the best of it. At the same time I really trying to find “my place” in life, as well as Im working as good as I can to find or create a job I can imagen to do “for the rest of my life in Spain”.
I “am” , and Im okay,- I m fine and good. I m trying to have a positive focus 💛.
Its not always easy,- – but life have some nice suprices “hidden around the corner” ,- I choose to belive that, in any case 😊 💛. I dont know what it is or can be,- but I choose to belive it something great ❤.
So,- today its a bit mixed feelings and thoughts about the life,- the past, the present and the future.
Thank you for dropping by today 💛,- I needed to “empty” my heart and soul a bit today.
I wish you a great day or evening where ever in the world you are 💛,- and sending you a lots of good thoughts 💛.
Its a bit mixed feelings in my heart, head and soul this days 💛.