Hi ❣ It’s so nice to see you,- like always 😊 I hope all is fine with you 🧡
I have been “dating” a bit with a younger man during this summer. I actually started a bit to “date” him already at the 14. February this year, but then, some weeks later, we all in Spain suddenly was in a quarantine and with curfew for closely 3 months. Then it was a bit difficult to meet up, actually not allowed to meet up with anyone else then the people you lived together with in your home, and only be able to meet up in your home as well 😊.
He is a nice young men, around 9 years younger then me, this date. I enjoyed his company and we had some good and fun moments together. And I have had a nice summer together with him,- but….and there’s a couple of “but’s”. And when there’s a couple of “but’s” I know this is and was not correct for me to continue dating him.
He is younger then me, and a young soul as well, and for me that was a bit challenged sometimes, because I could really recognize the age difference, and also our different life experiences as well. He was actually also smaller then me physical, something I had a tiny challenge with, to be honest. I know that this is actually nothing to have a “challenge” for if you actually are in love. Then you don’t care about things like that. But I was not in love, not even close.
We are in two very different places in our life. He was ready for serious commitment and relationship, and I’m not even close for that now at days. For me it was fine, very fine to just flirting, date, be friends with benefit. But nothing more serious then that.
To be honest, – I’m just more and less ready to get an seriously commitment just with my self at the moment. This new line I’m standing on in my life. I need to find out how to do this, and that on my own, and in my own way. To start living on my own, in a way “find myself”, if that’s a way to explain it. I’m a mammi in a new way now, I’m on my way to a new epoch in my life,- and I need to find out of this on my own. In a way find my direction in my life. Without any specific commitments to an other man.
I also recognize that he actually started to fall in love with me, and I was not there at all. I like him, he is a nice, young man. I liked to spend some time with him, but fare away from all my time. And I didn’t have any other “love- feelings” in my heart for him then friendship. I care for him like a good friend.
I’m not either the biggest fan of alcohol “use” and drinking alcohol closely every day, and then become more and like “saloon-drunk” several times during a week. I’m not there, and I will probably never going to “be there” either. He was there. And I know I can’t spend my time and daily life together with a “saloon- drunken” person. It’s okay now and then, but not several times during a week.
Sometimes I felt I did spend my time together with someone that was younger then my sons. I felt sometimes I in a strange way became his mam. Not a very good feeling. And I’m a bit finish with “taking care of”, and “raising up” now. Also young men, dates and flirts. I can, of course, take care of other people, but not “like raising up taking care of”, if you understand what I mean?
I know that when I’m ready for a serious commitment and relationship I need to be in love. I need to have an adult man, more around my age, and with a bit older soul too, and some different experiences in life as well. An adult man with a good sense of humor, a man that makes me laugh and someone I want to spend time together with, and then a more then just maybe one day during a week.
I know I need to have someone that takes a bit care about him self, like to dress a bit well now and then as well as think healthy, do healthy, eat healthy, and not let me have that responsibility for this things. I need to want to wake up with the person too, because he would probably be one of the first things I’m going looking at in the morning. And I know I need to be together with someone that can catch me if I’m “falling”. With that means- be there during difficult times too.
I don’t want to have the feeling of a need to change the man. If I feel that’s necessary for me to change him, he is probably not the correct one for me. And I don’t want to meet or be together with someone that’s want to change me either. I’m probably getting a bit more aware of what I both demand of myself in a relationship, expect from a man in a relationship, and not least what is good for me in a relationship, and makes me a better person in the relationship. Briefly summarized. So I have at least learned that during this summer, and the dating I have been doing this summer.
It’s mostly never easy to end a relation even when it’s “just” a date or a friend with benefit. It’s never a good feeling to hurt someone, or the feeling that you know your act is going to hurt someone. But sometimes is necessary to end it, for both him and me.
It was not easy to end this date or friend with benefit relation, because I also care about him, and I did enjoy his company, but more like friend then a boyfriend, even more like a friend then friend with benefit. And of course, I didn’t wanted to hurt him either.
I did think a lot about how to do this, take up this “the end” conversation, end the dating and “intim” part of the friendship. My plan was actually to have a face to face conversation about this together with him, but for some reason he couldn’t meet me. He actually cancelled our meeting two times. Probably he in his own way knew what was “coming up”. So I tried to call him, but it ended up with sending him a text instead. Not a very good way to end a relation, but still necessary to do. I couldn’t postpone ending the relation either, but I’m not proud of doing it by texting, I need to admit that.
I didn’t told him what I have told you. That I felt I needed to “raise” him, learn to dress in a proper way, ask him to go to the hairdresser, eat healthy, drink less, or anything like that. It’s not necessary to hurt someone more then necessary, or “put them down”. So I told him that I was not ready for a serious commitment, and I needed to be alone now, find myself after being a mammi for many years. And I told him I needed time for just myself, my things and plans. Something that is correct too.
We haven’t had any contact after this, after the end of this “intim relation”. He was not to happy with the “ending of relation”, but it is the best thing to do for both of us.
And I need to admit that I feel very relieved to be on my own now. No expectations to and from some else, just me. Sounds probably a bit selfish, but I need to think about what’s best for myself, at the same time as I know this is also the best for him. It is never good to be in a relation with anyone where the feelings are different, the expectations for the relation are different. I hope he will meet someone at his age, someone that can give him what I can’t, and someone that will make him very happy. But him and me was not the “two pieces” that belong to each other.
It’s in general never good to end, or break up a relationship, even when it is just a flirt, friends with benefits, date or something more. It’s in general never good to hurt someone you care about, but sometimes it is necessary to do it, for both parts, even it doesn’t feel like that in the beginning. Special not for the one who are getting hurt, or have stronger feelings then the other one, or are more in love than the other one.
It’s not easy to find this “two pieces that belong together” either, but I’m not stressing with that anymore. Maybe I met my other “piece” one day, maybe not. But not now anyway.
I feel free now, but it is a bit scary to stand on this start line in my new epoch in my life, and it’s even more scary to stand here so totally alone,- even when I know that this is what I actually need to do at the moment. At the same time as it all in a strange way also feels so good. To be alone. This is the correct thing for me to do now. Be a bit alone and find out how to do this new epoch in my life. Find who am I in this new epoch in my life and the new lifesituation in my life. In a way find my own dynamic in my life 😊.
I wish you a great day or evening wherever in the world you are 🧡. Thank you so much using your time to dropping by my blog today 🧡
See you soon 😊.
It’s in general never good to hurt someone, but sometimes it still necessary to break a relation that’s not feels correct, are not good for you, or are not correct for you, or in this case,- for me🥀 We was not “two pieces” that “belonged” to each other 🍂. I need to just belong to myself for a tiny little while now 😊.
#relation #relationship #inlove #feelings #breakingup #newstart #beonmyown #lifeis #changes #gettingolder #challenges #beonmyown #positivefocus 🍀🧡